Microsoft Word - John Scalzi - Alien Animal Encounters by Alien Animal Encounters

Author:Alien Animal Encounters [Encounters, Alien Animal]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2007-07-04T18:18:18+00:00

Dr. Elliot Morgenthal, Doctor, Stamford:

Oh, God. I worked the ER as an intern right around the time of that stupid

fungdu craze. Here's the thing about fungdu: they're furry, they're friendly, they

vibrate when they're happy, and they have unusually large toothless mouths.

You can see where this is going. About two or three times a month we'd get

some poor bastard coming in with a fungdu on his Johnson.

What people apparently don't know about fungdu is that if they think that what

they've got in their mouths is live prey, these little backward-pointing quills

emerge out of their gums to keep whatever they're trying to eat from escaping.

These dumbasses get it into their heads to get a hummer from their fungdu, and

then are understandably surprised to discover that their pet thinks it's being fed

a live hot dog. Out come the quills, and the next thing you know, there's some

asshole in the emergency room trying to explain how his erect penis just

happened to fall into the fungdu's mouth. He tripped, you see. How

inconvenient.

Here's the truly disgusting thing about this: All the time this is going on, the

fungdu is usually desperately trying to swallow. And that animal has some truly

amazing peristaltic motion. Again, you can see where this is going. The nurses

wouldn't touch any of these guys. They told them to clean up after their own

damn selves. Who can blame them.

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